Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted by the "tips for a tiny belly" ads.

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?

   Helloooo summer. How I've missed you and your lack of responsibilities...

   Condom says to Tampax.."You put me outta Business for 1 week a month. Tampax says to Condom..."If you don't do your job I lose mine for 9 months."

   girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE!

   A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

   Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   "NO STRAW...STUPID McDONALDS DRIVE-THRU JA..oh there it is.

   I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   How do you identify Dolly Parton's children at a party? They're the ones with stretch marks around their mouths.

   calling the Secretary of State to notify them he will no longer be carrying an ID; People should know who he is!

   Turning his beds into bunk beds so that there is more room for activities

   Shh! You never know who's listening....(although if you have a wireless microphone from a tv news station clipped to you, you should at least suspect that someone's listening)

   ....if you watch too much TV and become fat as a result, does that make you a TeleTubby?

   if quitters never win and winners never quit.....who is the idiot that came up with quit while you're ahead?

   my penis is so big that if I layed it out on a keyboard it would go from A to Z......wait! SH*T!