Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor

   genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

   Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

   McDonald's doesn't offer its employees direct deposit. Who's the clown who made that decision??

   It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man.

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.

   If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.

   I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

   I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

   Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)

   tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS

   Mind blowing literary fact: all nonfiction books take place in the same shared universe.

   My 8 year old daughter hasn't stopped talking in 32 years

   In your face! They are now known as The Exonerated Five now. No matter what your God says, that will never change.

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"

   I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

   Me: Is that a Yeti cooler? Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?