Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 603 of 6382
Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.
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03-04-2019 18:38
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Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.
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03-04-2019 18:05
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Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".
"No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.
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03-04-2019 09:16 by Moon
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I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
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03-04-2019 08:23
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I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."
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03-03-2019 20:52
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Me: I wish for my dog to live as long as me! Genie: Your wish is granted. You will now die in ten years. Me: Awesome! Way better than what I originally meant.
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03-03-2019 15:01
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When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.
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03-03-2019 11:59
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Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.
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03-03-2019 10:49
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I went on a cycling holiday last year, and it was exhausting! If I do it again I think I'm going for a smaller caravan!
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03-02-2019 10:00 by Truman
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My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...
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03-02-2019 08:56 by Gabe
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Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.
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03-01-2019 17:43 by Joser
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The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.
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03-01-2019 16:50
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At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.
Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.
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03-01-2019 12:47
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I don't want to brag, but I have the dietary habits of a much younger man.
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03-01-2019 12:44
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Shout out to all my friends who never post, like or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes!
But if you silent friend's could do me one little favor and like just this one status so I'll know your still out there breathing and actually give a damn wha
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03-01-2019 12:40 by moon
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My kids can worship Satan all they want as long as they don’t listen to nickelback
My weight doubles my SAT score.
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03-01-2019 11:24 by ThePrez
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I see the mother in law's put up a new profile pic!
It's got 23 yikes already!
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03-01-2019 06:13 by Truman
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