Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away. Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

   I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

   *me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, I also had a brutal leg day, I woke up again with legs

   Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...

   My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

   Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

   Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

   My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.

   Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?

   Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

   Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor

   genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

   Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

   McDonald's doesn't offer its employees direct deposit. Who's the clown who made that decision??

   It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man.

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.

   If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.

   I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

   I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.