Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have one of the best memories of all time, but I can never remember what I did.

   First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!

   I rather be sleepy or crazy than doppy.

   I have a friend who can tap dance backwards. His name is Pat

   Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls

   My way of asking a girl I like out on a date is to say "Will you run away with me to have coffee?" that works like a charm.

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.

   Okay, time to be productive!....or in other words log out of facebook. Which by the way is the secret to my success.

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?

   Beer is now cheaper than gas. Don't drink and drive.

   One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...

   As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.

   Shoutout to the guy driving the BMW who gave me the finger after I honked at you. Your cell phone's on top of your car!

   Your belly button is just a mouth that you don't use anymore.

   Findings from meetings and conferences: "The only thing that often comes out of a meeting is the people who went in."

   The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.