eengrms Funny Status Messages

   I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...

   I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   Miley was front page news longer than the last school shooting...

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   Strange to have so many people focused on a single woman's pregnancy who are not Texas republican lawmakers...

   I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   My 2yo is super bossy. He is telling everyone what to do. Oh I gotta go he said I have to get off the computer...

   I wish I could have a lazy Sunday but my to-do list is longer than Aaron Hernandez's rap sheet...

   Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.

   The level of patience I have with stupid people is actually pretty remarkable...

   Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...

   Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...

   A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...

   Jason Collins is the best ball handler in the NBA...

   Lately I've been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...

   I think one of the greatest regrets I'm going to have later on in life is that I've never participated in a Harlem Shake video...