andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.

   “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate

   Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying

   To make a long story short quit right in the middle

   Why do baby clothes have pockets? What do they need them for..baby wallets?

   1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is

   I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too

   If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.

   Waiter, is the chicken cage-free? Yes, they've never seen a Nicholas Cage movie. Not even Con-Air?! That's a classic! Fine, I'll have the steak.

   Momma left strict instructions to knock you out

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

   Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.

   The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."

   My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.