StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.

   Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We'll let you know.

   Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That's how many seconds you just wasted.

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office

   If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek

   Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G".

   My car doesn't have a passenger airbag but don't worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you

   iOS 8 let's you passcode lock specific apps? It's fun imagining how many break ups that will cause

   Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter. I don't even know who's party it was!

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.

   Shouldn't we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It's like we work there for a little while.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.

   The death of Friends star David Schwimmer this afternoon came as a huge shock to me, but it's made me realize how this s ite is a primary source of news to many people. Which is why you just believed me that David Schwimmer is dead.