Mickey Funny Status Messages

   What's the difference between a Rottweiler and an insane ex? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

   I've told you a million times...don't exaggerate.

   Christmas Schmistmas....March features the greatest holiday of the year. Any festivity that centers itself around getting drunk on beer, and stuffed on a big hunk of beef soaked in brine wins my vote.

   Thanks for ruining real honey for all of us, Boo Boo idiots.

   The Daytona 500 is over. And so we wait for its return much in the same manner we do all once a year occurrences...like the Flu and the April 15th tax deadline.

   What impresses me more than your facebook friend count hovering at around 5,000...are the same three people that post on your page.

   My doctor asked for a stool, a urine, a blood, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.

   A rhinoceros walks into a bar wearing a top hat and orders six Jägerbombs and...you should be ashamed of yourself for expecting a punchline. It's obvious this rhinoceros needs help.

   Murphy's Law 2013: The McDonald's is always on the opposite side of the street from the direction in which you're travelling.

   Many folks have a possession "bronzed". I'm talking about my b@lls. When she said she wanted something in the driveway that went from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds, maybe I shouldn't have put a bathroom scale out there.

   I just saw pictures of my neighbor's 30 year high school reunion....Don't marry your high school sweetheart!!!

   Pope Benedict is so old, there are only two jobs available to him. 1) Bag boy at the supermarket. 2) Run for President on the Republican ticket.

   Ever notice the Pope's hat looks just like an upside down McDonald's Biggie Fries box?

   I picked up a Chinese girl last night at a New Year Celebration...we ended up at my place and things got pretty hot. She asked what I wanted, so I said, "69." She said, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   No, I haven't been sick. I haven't been busy. I haven't been away on vacation. The reason I haven't returned your calls is because I can't stand you.

   When the ATM printed out the receipt showing my account balance, I really don't think the LOL at the end was necessary.

   Being fat is over weighted.- Elmer Fudd

   A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."

   The way I see it, is if there were no men in the world, the planet would be filled with nothing but happy fat women. And a shortage of batteries.

   If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.