MTQ Funny Status Messages

   If you plan on meeting someone on facebook who has no pictures on their profile page. A word of caution. Better you should bury your face in Rosie O'Donnell's a$$ for 6 hours, than hook up with that monster.

   Facebook has Peter Principled. It has risen to its own level of incompetence. The cracks are in the foundation. It's doomed. Remember MySpace? Come to think of it. Neither do I.

   How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

   I had a terrible dream last night. I was a baby and Dolly Parton was my mom and she bottle fed me.

   Q.) What's the speed limit of s3x? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

   Man, I could go for some mechanically separated chicken right about now.

   Where are all these hot women in actual real life that I see on facebook?

   3 Tampons are walking down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra. Which one says "Hello"? None, they're all stuck up c**ts!!!

   No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"

   A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP."

   Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came, I saw, I stuck around.

   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   All hot women should be seen in 3-D. That's my apartment #. 3-D.

   Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.

   What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic: USE a feather. Kinky: Use the whole chicken

   ***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that I can get 100 tampons for $1.00... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!

   I saw a girl with a belly ring. She must've weighed 400 lbs. That belly ring turned out to be a hitch.

   I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.