MBH Funny Status Messages

   It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.

   I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   When you count, it's called push-ups. When you don't, it's called sex.

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.

   McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   Me refering to my buddy's newborn baby: He's so tiny... Him: You should see the balls on him.

   If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you...

   I still stop conversations to join in for that "Hey! Must be the money!" part of the song.