JOser Funny Status Messages

   After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.

   How is lindsay lohan ever gonna find a good woman when she is jail? wait....... this might just work out.

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   So excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS! Also on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where is my cat?

   BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James chooses DirecTV over Comcast and Dish Network.

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   There's an update available for my Vuvuzela app on my phone. I bet now, rather than making a noise, it just says "You"re a douchebag!"

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, b*tches"

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   It's never too late to start secretly playing air guitar.

   I've missed you guys like a retard misses the point.

   I'm never getting married. After learning another Bachelorette couple has split, I simply don't know what love is anymore.

   Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

   "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...

   it's impossible to fool-proof anything because fools are so ingenious.

   there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

   a bartender is just an under-qualified pharmacist.

   A procrastinator's work is never done.