Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?

   The worst thing about parallel parking are witnesses.

   I'm a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.

   I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

   Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.

   I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

   If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.

   n't it interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering

   "You should try these mushrooms. They're a type of flavorless fungus that have flecks of cow poop clinging to their surface!"

   Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because NO ONE IS HITTING SNOOZE WHEN THEY HEAR THAT

   Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important

   Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”

   I do marathons (on Netflix).

   Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” I mean how do you even answer that?

   Proverbs 9:8 "do not correct a scoffer, or he will hate you" or in modern words "haters gonna hate"