Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I renamed my toilet Jim instead of John.. people are really impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim several times a day

   My boss asked me to write down two things I liked about my job. Apparently lunch time and quitting time are not the right answers.

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though .

   Deowent 12345

   I'm stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out this isn't for me but I appreciate the opportunity.

   Why did God make Adam before Eve? To give Adam a chance to speak.

   There. Summer is over. Hope you're happy you pumpkin spice loving psychos.

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering... please hold while I load my next thought!

   Q. How does a non-binary kill someone? A. They slash Them

   It's finally October! Which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

   Bats are just Halloween butterflies. That's all.

   If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted and you need to run.

   "She doesn't pick the popular Pennsylvania governor. She doesn't pick the astronaut. Instead, she picks the Geo. Phloyd riot guy"

   When I was younger, Freddie Krueger was so freakin' scary. But he doesn't even come close to Dunning-Kruger.

   Flooding in the Carolinas is God's wrath on New York/New Jersey transplants for thinking they can assimilate with hillbillies.

   My friend runs a camping shop,and between December and February he has a sale,so I made him a banner for the front of his shop, it reads "now is the winter of our discount tents"

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   I’ve been on Facebook forever! I remember when we had to plow our fields in FarmVille by hand—virtually, of course!

   Back in my day, we didn’t scroll—we farmed! I remember when this was all FarmVille.

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.