Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person

   I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

   Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.

   Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.

   Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

   Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

   Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

   Children are the best fundraisers because they don't understand economics: Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat 12 year old me: That is such a great deal

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can't help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

   Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

   Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.