Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 594 of 6446

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I'm gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
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10-02-2019 06:02
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My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.
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10-02-2019 06:01
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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10-02-2019 06:01
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*throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”
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10-02-2019 06:01
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*brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
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10-02-2019 06:00
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Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no
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10-02-2019 05:59
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Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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10-02-2019 05:59
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.
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10-02-2019 05:59
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"
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10-02-2019 05:58
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'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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10-02-2019 05:58
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
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10-02-2019 05:58
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I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...
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10-02-2019 04:11
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Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.
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10-01-2019 11:46
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Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.
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10-01-2019 10:18
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There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.
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10-01-2019 09:32
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Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.
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10-01-2019 09:28
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For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
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10-01-2019 04:50 by Crewzey
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I got a speeding ticket yesterday...But my attorney, Rudy Giuliani, plead it down to 1st Degree Murder.
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09-30-2019 13:51
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I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.
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09-30-2019 10:03
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The phrases "Adam Schiff" and "Intelligence" can not be used in the same sentence.
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09-30-2019 09:12
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