Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my girlfriend makes me angry... I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually

   Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is Salad!!

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   I found my boss eating peanuts the other day and I shouted.... "Why are you eating my salary?" And surprisingly, we laughed together.... Then he fired me...!!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...

   I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!

   Imagine letting your crush copy your assignment and then she gets a 3 out of 100%. After how long wil you be able to propose to her?

   You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?

   How did the dude sell us out when the other dude and his kid made all the money? Enquiring minds (and the Feds) want to know, Joe.

   Due to rising operational costs, I will no longer be able to provide dirty deeds at a dirt cheap rate. Thank you for your understanding.

   Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

   The streets of my city are no longer safe. I do not wish to use kung fu, but I am afraid that there is no alternative.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.

   Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don't like me Therapist: That's where I can help Me: Great Therapist: They don't

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.