Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

   Who called it Star Trek III - The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

   If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don't accidentally kiss a dog.

   Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

   Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

   If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

   Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake. Not all heroes wear crepes.

   Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

   When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

   [costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

   Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

   The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

   Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.