Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I bought a Dale Earnhart GPS on eBay but it just keeps telling me to turn left. I swear it is starting to drive me up the walls.

   I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.

   My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   My favorite post of yours is........ the one I hitch you to at night.

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China, I couldn't believe my luck!...Every time they put up a new wanted poster, the guy they were looking for was standing right next to me!

   Reports say that credit ratings are soon to be abolished for private individuals. All you need these days is a valid receipt from a your local gas station!

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   My girl jus told me that she is going to start "act like a woman and think like a man" so I guess that means when she is in the kitchen making a sandwich she is going to be thinking about sex!