Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   Cops came to my house, accusing my dog of chasing a guy in his Mustang ... I told the cops my dog wouldn't be caught dead driving a Ford

   Easter

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   Pee pee poo p000

   Joe Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.

   A Disney fairy tale has the line "And they lived happily ever after". A modern day fairy tale has the line "If elected I promise."

   I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

   I'm so bored I decided to check out all my female friends' profiles. Some of you have the same boyfriend.

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   Life is not fair. But it's not fair for everybody. So really it IS fair.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   Here's a pretty good sign that you've had too much to drink on St. Patrick's Day: you wake up the next morning and you look in the mirror and you've got that blue 2000 Flushes mustache.

   Aren't they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?

   What’s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance. Is there something dirty about car insurance we should know about?

   Happy St. Hangover's Day, everybody.

   Question, Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?