Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.

   Hey Google, how about taking all those stupid ass fake trees off your maps so we can actually see what we want to see??

   Well slap my ass and call me a McDonald's ice cream machine, 'cause I'm broke.

   I actually didn’t even know Aardvarks and rats could get married.

   Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...

   "I don't have anywhere else to be, and this bag of lettuce is really interesting. I'll read every word on the back of it and then I'll put it back on the shelf." . . The person in front of me at the grocery store

   Where did we go wrong when in 1969 we could send a man all the way to the Moon and be in perfect contact with them, when in 2019 I cant walking to the next room without losing your cell phone signal.

   I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

   I take all the credit when we win and blames all the losses on everyone else. That's what makes me normal.

   New strategy for college students: Incur as much debt as you can and hope some billionaire pays it off.

   You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know.

   if you have to use a snapchat filter for over half of your Facebook pictures, you know you're ugly

   We were lucky that we didnt have Exit Polls during our school times.Otherwise, our parents would have started thrashing us 3-4 days in advance of results

   spoiler alert...tonight HBO dies

   So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, does that make it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

   I can’t wait for the day when all the DJ Khaled fans turn 30 years old. Music today absolutely blows and he’s the leader. Just because you can push a button and yell a random phrase like “go n get it” does not make you an artist.

   If you think you can win me over with just food music and a pretty face your damn right!

   Now the women of Alabama are pissed off at the governor and threatens to votes Dems next time. Greatest reality show ever!

   Spoiler Alert: Penny strangles Sheldon to death on the last episode of The Big Bang Theory.

   If I were a cosmetic surgeon my slogan would be, "We can change your bottom line"