Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

   Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

   It looks like Turkey did take Trump's economy threat seriously. Gee, what a surprise.

   some of these jokes are funny some are corny, but it is sure better than hate that some of you idiots post

   I hear there is a new scientific term for how mushrooms multiply. It's called a sporegasm.

   She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still

   Archaeologists in Peru have discovered a 500 year old machine that allowed eggs to hatch. It was called an Incabator.

   Woke up coughing this morning, I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say

   My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.

   What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

   E-thugs. Because talking shiit in person is dangerous.

   Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?

   If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can I call him Napkin?

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

   Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

   I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.

   Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off

   The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.

   Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.