Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   some of these jokes are funny some are corny, but it is sure better than hate that some of you idiots post

   I hear there is a new scientific term for how mushrooms multiply. It's called a sporegasm.

   She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still

   Archaeologists in Peru have discovered a 500 year old machine that allowed eggs to hatch. It was called an Incabator.

   Woke up coughing this morning, I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say

   My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.

   What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

   E-thugs. Because talking shiit in person is dangerous.

   Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?

   If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can I call him Napkin?

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

   Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

   I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.

   Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off

   The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.

   Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

   Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

   casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no