Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't wait to see who's all going to be single on my facebook after the 4th of July!"

   The eternal struggle: Tops of feet are sunburnt. Lighter is dead. Corner store is two blocks away. They have a sign: no shirt no shoes no service. I don't own flip flops. This is going to suck balls.

   enjoying the peace and quiet... the voices in my head aren't speaking to me at the moment!

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   - My wife said she is going to leave me if I dont stop my bad habbits. I nearly choked on my toe nail.

   - For sale:- One pair of world cup football boots, mint condition, no scuffs, Contact Wayne Rooney for more info.

   - I don't need Anger Management, I need for people to not piss me off!!!

   - If the camera lens is round, why is the picture rectangular?

   - Justin AmatterofsecondswasknownworldwidetobeacompletedoucheBieber.

   A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

   Also, when asked by police if you have any weapons or drugs, never say "Why? What do you need?"

   America is getting up there in age, but i'd still do her. God Bless America!

   Happy 234th Birthday,America! :)

   If She Sounds Cute On The Phone, Add 20 lbs !!!

   would like to encourage you all to celebrate this 4th of July in a truly patriotic manner: Give a liberal something they utterly deserve and desperately need: A fist across their face. Happy 4th, everyone! Stay safe!

   You`ve got to admire Emile Heskey , he has a disasterous world cup , he comes home , puts on a dress and wins the womens title at wimbledon......

   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

   loves to be the first person to use a new bar of soap

   remembering how when he was young and only kiss on the lips was a big deal, now a days it's like let's cut the bullsh*t let's have sexy time."

   All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.