Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 586 of 6446

Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.
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10-16-2019 07:22
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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10-16-2019 07:22
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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10-16-2019 07:21
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Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.
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10-16-2019 07:21
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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10-16-2019 07:21
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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
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10-16-2019 07:20
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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10-16-2019 07:20
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*lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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10-16-2019 07:20
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Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now
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10-16-2019 07:19
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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
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10-16-2019 07:19
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Today is the Navy's and Tiffany Trump's birthday. Guess which one Trump only acknowledged? The wrong answer is Tiffany.
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10-15-2019 14:45
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To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?
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10-15-2019 11:20
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Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...
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10-15-2019 11:01
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Every time you yawn in October a ghost put his package in your mouth...
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10-15-2019 09:27
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Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.
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10-15-2019 04:17
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"I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope
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10-15-2019 04:16
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I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.
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10-15-2019 04:16
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If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
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10-15-2019 04:14
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A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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10-15-2019 04:12
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
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10-15-2019 04:12
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