Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 585 of 6452

Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!
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10-31-2019 01:46
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My friend just told me that it takes three sheep to make just one wool sweater which I find amazing as I didn't even know that sheep knew how to nit.
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10-30-2019 22:09
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The sheep lives its whole life in fear of the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd...
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10-30-2019 18:09
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When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated
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10-30-2019 16:36
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Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!
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10-30-2019 13:47
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Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.
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10-30-2019 09:05
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Death Star II: *explodes* Spirit Halloween: *opens a shop in the wreckage*
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10-30-2019 06:28
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Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man.
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10-30-2019 05:59
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Men are so weak this days. Girls gotta date like 3 guys to make a full man.
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10-30-2019 04:58
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That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.
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10-30-2019 01:34
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there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.
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10-30-2019 01:32
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Cardi B's music hits different when you turn it off
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10-30-2019 01:00
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Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?
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10-30-2019 00:58
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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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10-29-2019 09:33
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.
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10-29-2019 09:32
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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10-29-2019 09:31
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I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...
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10-29-2019 09:00 by Gabe
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

Oh, you have anxiety? Name 5 friends who secretly hate you.
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10-29-2019 08:20
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If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.
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10-29-2019 01:23
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