Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.

   The weather is going to be 99 and hazy today .. kind of like Bernie Sanders!

   All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   I can't believe I'm still pissed off the the NBA title went to Canada.

   Thanks to Facebook me and my friend's can now send each other invites and make plans months in advance like we're going on an expedition to the upper reaches of Mongolia to get together for a cup of coffee.

   I don't want to read it because I don't want to change the way I look at a certain someone.

   Congratulations to #FACEAPP for making eleventy billion dollars in 24 hours by making us look older on purpose.

   I opened the face app to make myself look old and it just booted up my GPS app and gave me directions to a mirror

   Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?

   If I ever choke to death eating these gummy bears will one of you please do me a favor and just post on my wall "He was killed by bears!" and just leave it at that.

   Now IKEA is closing its plant and moving to Europe. So much winning....

   I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room

   If they would raid a job fair like area 51 ..nahhh that will not happen.

   There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"

   This Summer, live a little and drop an unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bar in someone’s swimming pool.

   first we need a "space force" then later on, there isn't alien activity at area 51

   Antifa .. same party, same tactics, different hood