Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   *Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower. (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   At McDonalds last night the dude gave me the wrong flavored McFlurry. I threw it back at him and screamed back, "You McF*CKED UP!"

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.

   I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   Girls who are shaped like hot pockets have no business taking full body pictures.

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   F*ck what you heard, f*ck the b!tch you heard it from, f*ck what you think, and f*ck what you saw, and recognize what the f*ck you see.

   Girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old sh!t.

   Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.

   Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.

   I'm sick and tired of the games requests on Facebook. If it doesn't stop Imma be forced to play Facebook's Version of "My foot in ya ass."

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.

   I went to the blockbuster store... and saw a caveman sitting in the corner trying to make fire by rubbing two VHS tapes together.

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."