Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller

   To all those that like to take pics in their bathroom mirrors, clean up the bathroom first!

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   I don't keep up with such things, but is there a male Eastern European porn star named Vlad the Impaler yet?

   My Ouija board keeps saying "Boo! LOL J/K!" Stupid teenage ghosts.

   When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.

   They tried to send Amy Winehouse to the coroner but she said no, no, no. Just kidding, she's dead and didn't say anything.

   You can't judge a book by its cover. I read that on a book cover. It's like a life lesson if you really think about it.

   Stories that have been ripped from the headlines are the best. Except the ones ripped by bears. They're really hard to read.

   I want to become a receptionist so I can say "Your son Rip is on line toot"

   When I become a billionaire I'll still do stuff here. I'll just say, "In your face, peasants!" as I hit submit

   Talking faster and repeating louder your very weak argument does not help you. It makes you appear more like a toddler. And a whiny one at that

   Today's best euphemism for self gratification: Buttering your corn.

   Want to feel old? Kim Carnes of Bette Davis eyes fame turns 65 today.

   Hot weather drinking tip: Consume a fist full of aspirin, down a bottle of vodka and go stand out in the sun for about seven hours. Its fun

   Facebook was the most searched term on Google last month. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn't be using the internet.

   BREAKING NEWS: United States resumes not caring about soccer, looks forward to NFL Football in September

   Harry Potter's movie reinforces one stereotype. That an army of evil is still surprisingly inept at killing the main character

   Facebook: making the high school reunion last forever.

   I don't care if people call you the space cowboy, gangster of love or Maurice. I think you're delusional.