Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 577 of 6383
I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.
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08-06-2019 15:14
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A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.
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08-05-2019 20:24
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MTV turned 38 years old today so lets celebrate 18 years of music.
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08-05-2019 15:31
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My dogs are great as I can always count on them to alert me of danger outside.....and my neighbors coming home, squirrels passing by, the garbage truck in the morning, when the mail man comes and sudden gusts of wind.
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08-05-2019 14:27
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every toddler is just a mini version of Jack Skellington... "what's this, what's this"
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08-05-2019 13:25 by Eddy
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Gotta laugh at Wheezy Joe Biden...offers condolences to the wrong city AND state last night...wake up Joe!
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08-05-2019 12:23
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He has so much thoughts and prayers to offer, he offered them to the wrong city. Best entertaining two and a half years so far!
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08-05-2019 12:08
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I just picked a crumb off my shirt to eat, but it was a fuzz. I chewed it for about 13 seconds before I realized it wasn’t food. My cry for help is almost complete.
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08-05-2019 05:58 by DocNoland
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Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.
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08-05-2019 05:53 by DocNoland
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He says the mentally I'll shouldn't have access to guns, yet he literally repealed the law that blocked their access to guns his first month in office.
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08-04-2019 21:27
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If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.
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08-04-2019 16:37
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I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.
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08-04-2019 16:29
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Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.
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08-02-2019 15:30
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Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking
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08-02-2019 04:00
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Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..
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08-02-2019 03:00 by MrSharp
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The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!
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08-01-2019 20:35
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I don't know about you, but I love paying $1,600 on an iPhone. Thank you, who ever is in charge.
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08-01-2019 17:59
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I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML
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08-01-2019 10:18
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Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.
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08-01-2019 09:41
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I have decided who I'm going to vote which is, none of facebook's damn business.
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07-31-2019 20:04
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