Funny Status Messages

   When I woke up this morning I wasn't sure what day it was so I checked FB and not only did I get the day but also the weather condition, news headlines, traffic report, and 5 breakfast suggestions. Thank you Facebook friends!

   New rule if you can't spin the price is right wheel all the way around then instead of trying again you go to jail, how exciting would that be?

   Yeah, its nice you wanna tell me about yourself, your life is an open book. But how about we skip to the chapter where we hook up.

   I don't want to know the Daily Recommended Value. I want to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.

   I've gotten 3 group and 4 page invitations from you and we've been Facebook friends for 15 minutes. You are not off to a good start.

   it just me, or does everyone have two email addresses? One for normal emails between friends and work, the other for spontaneously registering on random websites.

   Just once on a cooking show I'd like someone to taste-test the completed dish, scrunch up their face and say, "Oh my God, that tastes like sh*t!"

   wondering why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara?

   "If you work hard all of your dreams will come true." Impossible. My dream is to never work hard.

   I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder !!

   As a social experiment next semester, I'm going to walk up to strangers and follow them.

   I hate being in line behind Brett Favre at Starbucks. He's changed his order 14 times.

   Did a Facebook search for childhood friends. Found out they're still people but DID NOT ADD THEM. That's how you use Facebook. For stalking.

   I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

   I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

   Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

   Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?