Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.

   ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

   car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesman: 100%

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.

   Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

   waiter: any allergies I should know about? me: uh, peanuts? waiter: [disappointed] aw I already know that one.

   Me: you want french toast for breakfast? Toddler: yes. Me: manners? Toddler: no thank you.

   7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing? Me: Cooking dinner. 7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why? Me: I have no idea.

   Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

   Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

   ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants

   I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

   Sorry, package of water bottles. I'm only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you're sleeping in the car tonight.

   I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.

   Living check to check is fine til you go from "Think I'll treat myself to a $7 latte" to "Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs."

   RACCOON: I'm being burglarized 911: can you describe him RACCOON: he's wearing a mask 911: maybe he's your RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

   What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m

   It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.

   Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.