Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 576 of 6446

ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants
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11-04-2019 04:32
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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11-04-2019 04:31
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Sorry, package of water bottles. I'm only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you're sleeping in the car tonight.
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11-04-2019 04:31
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I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.
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11-03-2019 17:45
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Living check to check is fine til you go from "Think I'll treat myself to a $7 latte" to "Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs."
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11-03-2019 17:44
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RACCOON: I'm being burglarized 911: can you describe him RACCOON: he's wearing a mask 911: maybe he's your RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
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11-03-2019 17:43
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m
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11-03-2019 17:43
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It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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11-03-2019 17:43
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Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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11-03-2019 17:42
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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11-03-2019 17:42
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.
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11-03-2019 17:42
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NBC poll finds half the voters want Trump impeached. You mean the half that didn't vote for him?? Shocking...
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11-03-2019 11:20
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Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
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11-03-2019 11:14
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It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.
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11-03-2019 06:17
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I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.
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11-03-2019 06:16
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: I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
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11-03-2019 06:15
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If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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11-03-2019 06:14
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Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
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11-03-2019 06:12
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If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
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11-03-2019 06:12
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This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.
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11-03-2019 06:12
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