Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

   Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool

   *At the checkout Cashier: How many croissants? M: Four *Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face. M: Um six

   When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses. That’s me in a nutshell.

   Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

   Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

   Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

   Dear Facebook, I'm fully capable of finding my phone friends so if you can do me a favor and stop suggesting them to me like my mother did when I was 5 years old that would be great. Thanks!

   Whelp, I'm not even out the door yet and I could already tell it's going to be another one of those days I'm not going to change the world and make it a better place for all mankind to live with my Facebook post.

   It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.

   Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone. Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

   if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because I don’t know what i’m doing

   Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

   If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

   PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

   Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.

   Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.

   That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️

   That black cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️

   Tried a Walmart pizza for the first time tonight and after biting into it I thought I accidentally cooked it with the cardboard they package them in, but it was just the pizza.