Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont try to change to please someone else. Love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself, and be your own person, and someone will love you just they way you are!.....Unless of course your just a narcissistic jerk. Then by all.means, change!

   A friend is typing..... A grand is typing..... A friend is typing..... A friend is typing..... A friend is typing..... Friend says lol

   Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.

   My Chinese neighbor man was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner last night. But someone let the "cat" out of the bag.

   My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

   : The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

   besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

   Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

   Laundry: Washing - 30 min Drying - 1 hour Putting away - 7 to 10 days

   Gee, I wonder what idiot hired a guy who had to be “terminated in 11 days from a position he was totally in capable of handling.” What kind of moron gives people government jobs that they have no skill set to handle?

   WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   I Saw A White Boy In Walmart Looking Mad ....So I Left

   Not Smoking anymore. I Put My Food In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number

   If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!

   Super Mario made me go looking for gold coins by smashing bricks with my head.

   "Area 15? I'm in!!" R Kelly, probably.

   Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

   Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

   : Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.