Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i spend so much time on FB I might get married to someone on my friend list and host a FB wedding lol and Invite all my friend to the Fan Page lmao

   Dear Monday, nothing against you but I'm glad you almost over. Please ease traffic for me. Sincerely, THE TAILGATER.

   This fish smells familiar. I just can't put my finger on it.

   relationship status will changed from "married" to " It's complicated " about once a month.. I love my wife....

   We celebrate Labor Day by not working. Which is kind of like celebrating Arbor Day by paving the backyard.

   I Don't Care what anybody says, Nothing says I Love you more like standing in line for you're girl to buy tampax pearl."

   I just got in a car accident while reading a sign telling me to keep my eyes on the road.

   A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?

   The best don't-drink-and-drive message ever would be if the Budweiser blimp crashed into the Goodyear blimp during a game.

   Hey!!! It's a "pedestrian crosswalk" you douche, not a "leap in front of my car like a freaking maniac walk!"

   OMG, you just lied and your pants really are on fire.

   Should I pick you up for breakfast? or just roll over and kiss you good morning?

   wonders what the guy who found out what milk was, was doing to the cow.

   wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac

   thinking they need to rename 'Dancing with the Stars' to 'Dancing with the National Enquirer.'

   Did you ever actually think about what you did, while sitting in the corner as a kid? I was planning my revenge for the punishment!

   I would like to wish a happy Labor Day to all the mother out there.

   Labor Day was canceled because too many people couldn't remember what it was like to have a job :)

   I am strong coz I have been weak, I am beautiful coz I know my flaws, I am a lover coz I am a fighter, I am fearless coz I have been afraid. I am wise coz I have been foolish & I can laugh coz I have also known sadnes, I know my past yet I can c my future

   It's pretty hard not to scratch when you're playing pocket pool.