Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

   I took beano in honor of earth day and I'm not gonna dump my ash tray till tomorrow...

   I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms!

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   I picked up a hitchhiker today... Dragged him for 2 miles before the f*cker finally fell off my car.

   I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.

   People like you are the reason people like me take pills... and I'm OK with that. ;)

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.