Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alexa chk my bank balance n tell wich Apple product I can afford..Alexa:Apple juice

   Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.

   If Meth could stand up straight, put on dirty clothes, take drugs, date its cousin and sing crappy music, it would look like Kid Rock.

   idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her

   Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

   Tip:No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

   The doctors office plays HGTV so I can feel bad about my body and my house

   A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

   My worst fear of getting old is chewing for no reason.😖

   We don't need a trade deal to last forever. If he doesn't like it down the road, he just divorce it for a younger trade deal, maybe from a different country...

   I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth

   I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

   Ever notice the scariest women are the one's who flood their pages with pics of Marilyn Monroe?

   I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.

   I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   One Christmas eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. When an angel walk in with a tree and ask what he should do with the tree was how the tradition got started.

   Santa is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.