Funny Status Messages

   The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it's just my cat food.

   *Eats a Lean Cuisine *20 minutes go by. *Devours entire Pizza Hut store...including employees.

   Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   I used to have a large ceramic container full of soap but everybody was afraid to use it because... It was a croc o' Dial.

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer.

   Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out Wife: yes why Me: my boss fired me today

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

   Biden's economic policy makes about as much sense as fragrance free perfume...

   My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

   A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

   Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.

   "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

   Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats--taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

   By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?