Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   I'm a problem that you'd be glad to have.

   Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

   I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?

   statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...

   Dudes: Women LOVE IT, when you're man enough to just walk away from an argument... Unless the argument is with THEM. Then... YOU'RE a PUSS!

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.