Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its 1:40 am....do you know where your girlfriend is? Um......neither do I. But I'm sure she is in good hands.

   doesn't care that they're bad at parking. The other cars are bad at swerving!

   Last night went to a corn maze for the first time ever! It was aMAZEing. I thought it would be CORNy, but we had so much fun. They did have a few STALKers, don't worry, I was all EARS. Had a blast!

   Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

   Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute

   Comparing Journey to Justin Beiber is like comparing the finest wine to pee.

   The first step to recovery is admitting that you're a problem.

   I've never seen a shark throw up. That might be something.

   Normal people are weird.

   Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!

   Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

   Strangers have the best candy.

   In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

   Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

   I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

   Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the BIOTCH up with cookies.

   With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.

   drinking. I have my cellphone on me and it has facebook on it. I appoligize in advance and will delete my wall posts as soon as I wake up.