Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than you actually are.

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday!! just say'in :))

   Wade: I just got your email...it says I'm fired...oh don't worry about that...I get unlimited emails..

   wondering where the white goes when the snow melts.

   Congratulations to those of you who can read this. You survived the friend cut!!

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook!

   I recently took up mediation, its better than sitting around doing nothing

   why hasn't there been a woman on the moon yet? cause it does not need cleaning yet!

   Doesnt matter if the Bengals lose.... Yeah a win would be nice but at least our Quater back isnt a douche. You can constantly improve, you cant fix Douche-Baggery. There I win ;)

   I think I have it all figured out......... Now, if only someone would organize it for me.....

   PLEASE put this on your status if you know someone who has been eaten by a dragon. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this because they have already been eaten by a dragon..

   2 blond girls on opposites sides of the lake, The first one yells to the 2nd "How do I get on the other side?" The 2nd yells back "You are on the other side"

   I stopped listening somewhere around the third grade.

   I leave notes on people's windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.

   Yeah....Hi, I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working

   off to Mamby Pamby land ya Jackwagon....

   "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" - my dinner.

   The problem with finding out who your real friends are, is finding out who your real friends aren't

   Next halloween I'm gonna dress as a shrub and randomly sit in peoples front yards