Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'cyber' Monday is awesome I got like 3 dates lined up....also I think there was a sale online

   I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

   A new study says humans are psychic, and I'm living proof of it. For example, I can clearly foresee a future where this study is debunked.

   Car dealerships greatly over-estimate the allure of tents.

   I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.

   I never did use my illusion. Is it too late?

   I hate when people put words in my mouth.. with the possible exceptions of “waffle” or “sandwich.”

   If I joined Earth, Wind & Fire, I think the element I'd want to be is Surprise.

   In retrospect, everything is foreshadowing.

   I wanted to buy a keepsake to remind me of the great food this Thanksgiving, but I think this new chin will suffice.

   These E*Trade babies probably annoy everyone in the bar when they play Golden Tee.

   I had to use my AK this afternoon.. Still, it was a good day, as I only used it to scratch my back.

   a proud member of the 97% who won't copy & paste chain status updates.

   If you can have sex faster then the speed of sound is it possible to have sex with a women before she can respond with a yes or no answer ?

   Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst thing you could get from girls were cooties? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth? Your worst enemies were your siblings. the onl

   Saves lives each day... because there are people out there that need to be shot, and I don't shoot 'em!

   They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?

   Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch

   I like to drink red and blue poweraide so I can feel like I'm drinking health and mana potions

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.