Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm Keyser Söze

   For fun I just increased the font to 200% and it looked like first grade all over again.

   eaten so much Halloween candy that next week it will look like I'm going through puberty again. Hey, maybe this time I will get boobs!

   Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

   just watched half of The Social Network and I got to say to that point it is absolutely one of the most boring movies I have ever seen..right..I know it's more of a movie for academic queers

   stupid campaign commercials. Because of them, Everytime before I "Like" someone else's status I say to myself. My name is 'X' and I approve this message

   stupid campaign commercials. Because of them, Everytime before I "Like" someone else's status I say to myself. My name is 'X' and I approve this message

   Why is it that when I walk into a Walmart I feel like I should give the greeter my ticket for the freakshow I'm about to see?

   going to start a hospital and in my hospital when you are admitted you will be ask 2 simple questions. Do you go to church and do you believe in God? If you answer yes to both you are given a Referral to God Form and asked to leave property immediately

   Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   Do you know why they call it "PMS?" Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not "professional" any more.

   A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

   I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

   "hi, you are through to the incontinence hotline..........can you hold please?"

   Either I am getting huge or Facebook decreased it's font size.

   Mr. President, please remove your hand from my pocket; I can stimulate myself.

   We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy.

   Hmmmm....what to do with this remaining roll of black duct tape I have now that Halloween is over?