Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching the Biggest Loser Finale. Hate it when they jump up and down after the results. Holy chicken wings...yuck!

   Note to self condoms are NOT Machine Washable

   Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine

   Instead of a holiday letter summarizing all I've done this year, I'm going to print out all my Facebook status updates and stuff them in the cards... much easier.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   We are seeing some hard times. Even Santa's feeling the pinch, I hear he's down to just one Ho!

   Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don't want to see flying at my face.

   If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let certain people call me.

   has made a poor spending decision and would now like Congress to bail him out for the sake of his shareholders.

   thinks living well may be the best revenge... but rubbing your ass all over someone's cell phone is pretty good too.

   The government should stop putting warning labels on things...triggering the beginning of Darwinism of stupid ppl!

   just been cast as the main villian in The Dark Knight Rises.

   I TRIPLE DOG DARE YA!!!

   Santa Claus uses slave labor. The elves are beaten every time a toy breaks. They have tried to organize, but Santa always sends in a goon squad to disrupt them. If you are against elf abuse and support their right to organize, please change your profile p

   There's nothing like a visit from an out of town friend to point out how little I actually know about the city I live in.

   I'm not a tease, I'm just a reminder of what you can't have

   Dear Santa: This year instead of a gift wish list, I'm sending a list of people I would like to see disappear. Thank you.

   Like a lot of men, this gum has severely understimated how long it will last.

   Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron broke up

   in the latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress...and you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.