Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   ..... 84-yr-old Hugh Hefner engaged to 23-yr-old Playmate. He proposed to her on X-mas which is appropriate since he's the same age as Jesus!

   Everybody got snow blowers...Me all I got is man power a shovel.You wont see me in the gym gettin ready for Summer.

   Hef engaged to a 24 year old?! Now I'm inspired that my future trophy wife may not even be born until 2040!

   Before starting any new chapter to study...i always count da number of pages!!

   Congrats to Hugh Hefner on your recent engagement. And thank you sir for showing us naked photos of the women you've banged since 1953.

   only 4 more days before you all make resolutions you won't keep anyway

   Some women should just come with talk plans like my cell phone, because after to much conversation my MIND starts roaming!

   Im sure that 24 year old playmate model is not at all interested in Hugh Hefner's money. In fact if he were just a typicaly average senior citizen quite certain she would be equally in love with him. Did I mention I speak fluent sarcasm?

   Hugh Hefner, 84, Engaged to Playmate, 24? Yeah, that makes sense.

   stuck his hand in the junk drawer; Now it smells like (insert name).

   Thinking about celebrating Christmas a week after Christmas for now on. Then I will be able to buy the same gifts at 60% off!

   What's the defference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped at 3 Ho's LOL

   it was a JOKE that I had my status as female on facebook....i have changed that...now can people please stop calling me "chicky babe"

   "Like"ing a comment is as good as a conversation terminator as "LOL".

   ...after driving from Portland to Seattle, I no longer have a sense of peace on earth, nor any goodwill toward men… or that b*^%# in the Mazda just north of Tacoma.

   I asked my significant other what time it was this evening and got the response of "5:54...5:53...5:52...". I guess next time I should remind her the microwave is on.

   Whew.....I am officially done wrapping all of my presents for Christmas in 2011. Thank you 'person who thought of re-gifting'

   People spend their entire lives waiting for their ship to arrive, not realizing that they are in fact standing in an airport