Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ahoy! wanted t' put Pirate as one o' my speakin' languages, Arrhg! Scallawags!

   Expect the entire internet to run slower for a while. 11 million nerds are sucking up the bandwidth to experience the Cataclysm.

   Dear Search and Rescue, my Appetite seems to have gone on a wrong bus..haven't seen him in days. Last seen wearing a cheese burger and some chips. If found please return to me. Pls treat as urgent. Thank you

   Dear Santa .all I want for Xmas is ur naughty list.

   Dear Santa, Can we talk about this? I'm so sick and tired being on that list. I'm just having fun.

   Earlier today I got a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.I told them to kiss my a$$. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving..lol

   There is talk of the Royal Wedding being broadcast in 3D. The United Kingdom should start preparing the world now for Charles's ears.

   How awkward do you think Prince William's stag is going to be when he realizes he's stuffing pictures of his Gran into a strippers thong?

   How do you know the Native Indians invented the toothbrush ?..Because if the white man did it would have been called the teethbrush..

   Have you ever taken a dump on the toilet backwards? It's so awesome you can read book or eat a meal or even work on the laptop without heating up your legs. Such a great experience. You never have to get up.

   going to hide in the wallmart clothes rack and say welcome to narnia

   just heard from a friend. Changeyour profile picture by December 12th to your favorite moon of the planet Jupiter to help fight childhood obesity amongst cats. Copy and paste to spread the word.

   They Say There Is No Better Christmas Gift The A Homemade One That's Why I Will Be Giving Everybody Crystal Meth This Holiday Season

   This Girl At The Office Keeps Trying To Get Me Fired, She Keeps Saying I'm Giving Her Innapropiate Massages At The Work Place, Well I Say Goodluck Sweetheart I Don't Even Work Here

   If I'm not gonna shower tonight I'm gonna at least baby wipe my hole and baby powder my balls. Same diff

   I'm not saying it's bad for a girl's pubes to be showing.... I'm saying it matters which end of her shorts they're showing from.

   Dear Santa, I was framed.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   You don't get old, you just become a classic.

   when life hands you lemons, through it back at live and say hey I asked for limes