Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 533 of 6446

Depression, is merely anger without enthusiasm
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01-30-2020 08:04 by Rockpile
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Look I'm not saying I'm old, but when I was young rainbows were black and white..
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01-30-2020 07:09
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Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say..
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01-30-2020 07:08
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Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!
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01-30-2020 07:07
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Yesterday was a great day. The mailman delivered to me a Three Dog Night cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
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01-30-2020 07:05
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Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
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01-30-2020 07:05
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If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.
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01-30-2020 07:03
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My neighbors kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.
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01-30-2020 07:03
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FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
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01-30-2020 07:02
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Need your help Friends.... I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment!
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01-30-2020 07:02
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Look on the bright side, Joe Biden. Nelson Mandela didn't get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.
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01-30-2020 07:00
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I'm paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
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01-30-2020 06:58
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Growing up as a kid, My family could never afford that fancy Burt's Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herbert's Hornets lacerating pain venom.
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01-30-2020 06:57
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Moses walks down Mt. Sinai, tablets in hand, and assembles the Israelites. Moses announces, "I've got good and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10." "What's the bad news?", a voice cries out. "Adultery is still in."
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01-30-2020 06:56
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A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instantly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut
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01-30-2020 06:55
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Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on Hang on..... Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".
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01-30-2020 06:54
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90 percent of being married is shouting, "WHAT" from other rooms.
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01-30-2020 06:51
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Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'
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01-30-2020 06:51
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I asked the lead singer of Hall & Oates to name one of his favorite bands. He said, "KISS is on my list."
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01-30-2020 06:25
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Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.
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01-30-2020 06:19
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