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*Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
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09-26-2019 13:46
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Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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09-26-2019 13:46
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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09-26-2019 13:45
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Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.
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09-26-2019 13:45
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Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.
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09-26-2019 13:44
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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09-26-2019 13:44
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.
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09-26-2019 13:43
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Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
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09-26-2019 13:40
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
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09-26-2019 13:40
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Children are the best fundraisers because they don't understand economics: Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat 12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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09-26-2019 13:39
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At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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09-26-2019 13:38
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can't help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
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09-26-2019 13:38
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Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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09-26-2019 13:37
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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09-26-2019 13:37
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Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend
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09-26-2019 13:36
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The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.
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09-26-2019 13:36
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I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
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09-26-2019 13:35
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[Dinner at Arby's] Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home Me: Ahh memories
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09-26-2019 13:34
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[Eulogy] Bicyclist's Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
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09-26-2019 13:34
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Since when is it unconstitutional for an acting president to seek help from a foriegn country to win an election?
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09-26-2019 11:26
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