Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like I am retaining water today. Omg. that's it. no more lifetime movies or chick flicks....

   Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.

   A boomerang is a Frisbee for lonely kids.

   The sign says "Smoke Free" That's Good.. I hate the places that charge you to smoke!!!

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   Don't you hate it when some fat ass in a fast food drive thru orders $40 in food.

   Damn, just about got in a head on collision with some idiot who doesn't know how to text and drive nearly as well as I do.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   as much as I like to laugh at AI, having Steve Tyler as a judge is like having Secretariat giving pony rides at a child's party.

   There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

   If I had to pick which Kevin Bacon movie I like the most, It would be a tie,.... between all of them

   I checked out a dating site. That famous "ugly stick" sure has been busy.

   I would kill the sexiest person on earth but suicide is a crime

   One day, long, long ago. There lived a woman who didn't nag, whine, and b!tch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The

   My new life goal is to do something worthy of being on a commemorative plate while holding a commemorative plate.

   People learn english all the time, It arent that hard

   How times have changed. I remember dialing 07734 to a pager to say hello!

   hates being asked if I've had any "past experience." Is there any other kind?

   likes to believe the spell czech on my computer has never failed me.

   I feel like I've been watching Jersey Shore (The Facebook edition) for three days Now! B1tchin about every lil thing is like a rockin chair, It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you any where.