Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   blinded by the light. Revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.

   I called a company and heard "Don't fear the Reaper" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Life Insurance from a company that plays that?!?! ;-)

   Gathering Birds to throw at you!

   I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned

   Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.

   Apparently society isn't sympathetic about testicular cancer awareness…You check yourself in one mirror at the mall, and you go from health conscious, to sexual predator in a heartbeat...(more in comments)

   I wonder how many tattoos you can get for the Sugar Bowl trophy...

   Relax everyone...My pink flamingo is still standing in my front yard...I think it's over now.

   To the people on FB who creep on the reg, yet never post anything and never comment on anything.. I know your out there, and I know your reading this..

   Pshh.. Nowadays I dont even trust people that dont have a FB

   Best bumper sticker ever. Get off your phone and concentrate on being a sh@tty driver.

   I'm so good at sleeping I could do it with my eyes closed

   pretty sure that mother nature has been taken over by an evil step-mother!!!

   Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster!

   January is my least favorite month. So...no Dr. Pepper chaser with the bourbon. Nuff said. New Years resolutions back in the drawer. Whew, I thought I was gonna have to do a third sit-up. Praise the Lord and hand me that ice bucket.

   Successful 8-hour sleep diet. Woke up and rewarded willpower with gravy biscuits and sweet tea. HAPPY HUMP DAY, Y'ALL!

   If you have to have a job as host of are you smarter than a fifth grader. Then you just might be a terrible comedian.

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Christmas toys & their parents are BOTH broke..

   I used to be confused but now I just don't know

   they say Facebook is worth $50 billion, Facebook you think you could pay someone to fix all the dam glitches