Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Y'all don't use paper plates. I'd use a paper pot if I could. F them dishes

   Getting old is tricky. I stepped on a golf ball in the dark and I did some parkour trying not to fall down.

   Diet day 4: If you eat the entire box of donuts, I'm pretty sure that counts as "One Serving"....

   Some people wonder what the meaning of life is. Some people wonder if we're alone in the universe. Me? I'm just sitting here wondering whose job it is to grease the bearings on the Price is Right wheel...

   ALDI: "We bring you discounted prices on all your grocery store needs. But, we have to draw the line somewhere, so no plastic bags for you to carry your discounted grocery store needs home."

   I had a nightmare about Peppa Pig. The dad told his family that he got a new job with Oscar Mayer Bacon. 🥓🥓

   Last night I had some wine, and whenever I do, I get sad over something. I got sad for all the poor strawberries who heard "Strawberry Preserves" and thought they were safe.🍓

   For vegetarians they have plant based beef, so do they have meat based fruit for meat eaters?

   20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   instagram caption about jisoo

   I always go the extra mile but sometimes it's because I missed the exit.

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits..

   This coming up Winter Olympics, I'm going to self identify as a woman, and compete in the women's " Snow writing " competition.

   An old man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress goes, "crushed nuts?" "No, no, no" he said. "Arthritis."

   How do you spot a nosy pepper? It gets jalapeno business

   Whenever I see a Facebook profile shared by a man and woman, I wonder which of the two has the the tightest vajayjay.

   I often wonder what they plant to grow seedless watermelons.

   BUDLIGHT's new promotion, Free knee pads with every purchase!

   The main difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo is that no one pretends to be Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.