Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hears an idea, Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?

   I can’t believe it’s already bank collapse season… I still have my train derailment decorations up.

   Ran into a guy at a bar who said he was a huge rock star back in the '80s I didn't believe but he was adamant.

   I used to grow weed on Farmville and sell it on Mafia Wars. Good Times!

   So I got an special announcement to share with you all. I am running for president!!! Like we can't screw up this country enough. #gary2024

   When the mechanic said I 'blew a seal', I was afraid he referring about that summer I worked at Sea World but it turns out it's some car thing. 🤭

   Rent prices have got people staying in relationships that ended years ago

   FRIEND: Why do you spend so much time on Facebook? ME: I have serious digestive issues. I spend a lot of time on the toilet.

   i like butts

   I can’t sleep and just wanna eat all night. I think I have insom-nom-nom-nomnia.

   Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

   well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

   I bought a new stick of deodorant last night. The instructions said to remove the cap and push up bottom. I may be walking funny now, but my farts make the room smell baby powder fresh.

   it considered sexual assault if a midget walks up to you and says you hair smells nice?

   Technically, all the money you ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

   Daylight Saving Time arrives this Sunday morning. You Know what? I give it 8 months.

   I don’t like to brag, but I only buy the organic free-range Cadbury® Eggs.

   Fun fact about me. I, too, was once a train wreck in Ohio.

   3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics 2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes