Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

   waiting for wolf blitzer to invite the situation to the situation room ....

   with the current state of relationships these days, I think the Grim Reaper should take Cupid's spot...just seems more realistic to me....

   snow is like sex.....you never know when you're giong to get it and when you do, you never know how much you're going to get!

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.

   listening to Carole King tell him that she feels the Earth move under her feet and that it has something to do with when I'm around......does that mean she thinks I'm fat?

   Dear Lean Cuisine, Your microwave lunches are small. My body does not get 35MPG like most people. I get more like 12MPG with a strong tail wind. Please help. Love, Me

   How much toilet paper does the average woman use???

   i know this is gonna be misinterpreted, but I've been sitting on hard wood for an hour, and my ass is killing me!

   After a very thorough, 25 year investigation, charges have officially been filed against "video" for her part in the killing of the radio star.....

   thinks that instead of reposting statuses it would be a better idea if all women with a "wonderful man" would cook him his favourite meal and dress up for his bedroom fantasies instead ;).... just saying, but the reposting thing is cool too.

   thinks that the phrase "home sweet home" was coined by the witch from Hansel and Gratel.

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   the next time someone says "I don't know whether to laugh or cry"... kick 'em in the shins really hard so they'll know for sure.

   it's not the heat, it's the humidity thats bothering me today

   Egyptians Gone Wild

   Spell check... it's impotent

   Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive

   would eat more salads if they didn't taste like vegetables.