Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be nice to your neighbors. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good scream and your bad scream

   stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it.

   how can I be so thirsty when I drank so much last night...????

   Weather Update. Cold with a chance of Nipples

   come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was confused. What's left over wine?

   Oh Dark Goddess Caffeina who is known by many names, bless me this day and give me the energy to get all things done that are needed.

   Most awkward place on earth: An elevator. 5 strangers. Silence. A bad smell.

   If lifes a B*tch, Then Why Hasnt It made Me a Sandwhich?

   Quick to the point, to the point no faking I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon

   Bieber got a brit award. This makes me want to stick my genitals in a deep fat fryer...

   farting in a bottle and capping it so I can smell it again next week....

   I need a damn girlfriend...well not a "damn" girlfriend, just a girlfriend...well not just a girl that's a friend but...a girl...well, not a girl, but a woman...OMG I am turning into Mr. Kimball! Damn you, Green Acres!

   I bet Chick-fil-A is disappointing to a cannibal...misleading at best...

   Would like to remind all my friends who also spent Valentine's day alone, St. Patricks day is only a month away... Start drinking!

   I know you think your kid is all smart and stuff, probably is, in relation to you.

   Fancy a 11/11/11 baby ?? ...... if so, best do your stuff this Friday !!!

   I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

   5.It's tough to lose weight when you're older. By then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.