Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?

   Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m

   If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......

   I'll believe almost anything someone tells me in a British accent because they sound really smart when they talk.......

   If I gave a sh*t, you'd be the 1st person I'd give it to.

   I believe in Karma That means I should be able to do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

   I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, & Real Sh!t..

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

   Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper,,,,,,,,,,, I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.

   Not everyone can go down in history, but if you play your cards right...You can go down on me.