Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I carry a diaper with me so I can hold it up and shout "excuse me, you dropped your adult diaper" when people cut in line.

   Turns out saying "I'm just trying to be supportive" is not a good excuse for trying to hold a girl's boobs

   I have to ask my wife where she wants to go for dinner at 1 pm so that the restaurant is still open once she finally makes a decision

   We all need to make a pact right now that there will be riots if Hollywood tries to remake The Goonies

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.

   I don't remember if the toilet water was blue or not before I sat down, so there's a chance I'm magical.

   Every time I see a girl I went to college with, I ask her if we had sex and we laugh and laugh and laugh and then I welcome her to Walmart.

   Workin' hard or hardly saying anything original?

   Sort of rude to kiss your husband right in front of me when I've been looking at your boobs from behind a tree for 20 min.

   It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.

   Boy, the way that guy whines about stuff is hot. Said no woman ever.

   It isn't you, it's me. It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you.

   I just got caught masterbating to a National Geographic magazine...i don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist

   If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.

   When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I found out about boobs

   Things to do in a public restroom... "Say peek a boo, I see you!" to the person in the next stall just to see what happens

   It's completely pointless when someone says "don't forget to save room for cake." There's always room for cake. Always.

   Nasa found a planet that has two suns. The fact that it's named Kepler-16b instead of Tatooine is a travesty. I bet Lucas threatened to sue.

   I got first draft in my fantasy foosball team. Once again, my top pick: the plastic dude with the metal rod through his torso.