Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sex is my favorite sport

   Hooked on Phonics werked fer me :-)

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world....

   thinks you should always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

   I think I'm gonna start lifting up my shirt, showing off my gut, and demanding to be called The Fatuation.

   The Oscars are over. From now on, any reference to "The King's Speech" should only reflect the things Charlie Sheen says.

   The History Channel isn't what it used to be.

   well the heats off you for now Lindsey Lohan...tell Charlie Sheen thanks.

   Ever want to answer every question with a middle finger? That's kinda where I'm at today.

   Starting a petition for Charlie Sheen and Whitney Houston to co-host the Oscars next year. What a delicious treat that would be.

   The kid from Two and a Half Men looks more like Natalie from the Facts of Life everyday.

   when Ronald Regan was in office we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office with no hope and no cash

   ran home behind the bus today and saved $3.50. Tomorrow I'm going to run behind a cab and save $20

   Took my hubby to the ER last night with one of those four hour erections. All the doctor did was high five him!

   if your reading this your on facebook and have no life

   Take your time, think a lot. Think of everything you've got. For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

   found out what smoking is good for. Yuppie repellent. I'm now going to invest in a box of cigars.

   Tonight marks the 83rd Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   Seriously, If You Sent me A Mafia Wars Request again, I'm Gonna have War with You for Real..!!!

   I wonder if James Franco is the first Oscar host to ever host the entire ceremony high as a kite.