Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you just hate those skinny ass Barbie type girls that always says "I'm fat"!! I would love to go "not now but keep actin' like your actin' and you will be after those 7 kids you're gonna have" Anyone else feel this way??

   That "No alcohol beyond this point" sign might as well say, "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"...

   The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3 hours.

   I'd really like to find the person that named the sensitive part of your elbow the "Funny Bone" and punch them in the face. See how funny they think that is.

   My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."

   All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy!"

   The true test of inner strength is finding both stalls occupied."

   Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."

   I have a recurring, hour-long meeting set on my work calendar for 4pm on Fridays. There's no actual meeting, but I'll be damned if I let someone schedule a real one at that time."

   If you die in a manner that leaves your body unrecognizable they identify you by your dental records; if they don't know who you are, how in the world would they know who your dentist is?"

   I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.

   I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'

   The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' and I said, 'Dust!'

   To make a small fortune in the stock market you need to start with a large fortune

   e-harmony proves that even people who wear shorts, dress socks and sandals CAN find true love.

   When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

   Canadian Bacon? why don't they just call it HAM. silly canadians