Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hire the best people! No one can accidentally butt-dial reporters like my people do!

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Never ask a woman with no teeth for gum

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   Impeachment is not only constitutional, but also golden.

   When I first started growing a beard I didn't really like it but after some time it started to grow on me.

   I think Cinderella purposely left her shoe at the castle just like Side Chicks always seem to be leaving their panties.

   Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.

   My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.

   If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?

   Things I learned the hard way in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   Me: "Doc, I just got back from Thailand and there's something wrong with my feet." Doc: "what is it" Me: "My pecker keeps dripping on them..."

   "Im not talking without my lawyer present". Cop:"but you are the lawyer". Me: "Exactly, so where's my present"?

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat

   On Facebook friends are like "My life is beautiful! Everything is so fantastic I can hardly contain myself!" But in real life when you ask them how they're doing they're like "okay"

   I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.

   Men are NOT pigs. Pigs are gentle sensitive and intelligent animals.

   Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there Really hoping this is Halloween related

   *Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist