Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

   "Get a parrot," they said. "It'll be fun," they said. "Get a parrot," the parrot said. "It'll be fun," the parrot said.

   Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn't have legalized marijuana.

   Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

   Her: I love the picture of you in your bedroom. Me: It's IKEA. Her: You did a great job picking it all out! Me: No, I took that picture in IKEA.

   Only virgins, with no chance of ever getting a girl, believes in conspiracy theories.

   If your dog understands several human words and you don't understand any dog barks, then your dog may be smarter than you...

   Medicare for all is Socialism. Also don't you dare touch my Medicare!

   If you think the Dems worked with the entire world on a “new hoax” to take down Trump, then yes I think you are stupid.

   Got my test results back today... Negative - phew!! What is IQ anyway?- Bernie Sanders

   you've never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

   [at work party] Hey Bill...weird, have you always been a scotch guy? Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

   I do not want to get the Coronavirus that’s why I switched to Modelo

   dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking? me: I don't know why dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that's why

   I like using my speakerphone but hate how it literally spells everything I say exclamation point period

   **Blood-curdling scream** Dinner's ready.

   huge shout out to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

   Welcome to Facebook. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

   Hello...?!?!?! Has anyone on FB noticed my desperate pleas for help and attention?! ...Anyone at all?!

   I walked into a bar in another neighborhood the other day and I noticed that everyone there was wearing a tool belt. Then I found out they were all roofers. I’d stumbled into a shingles bar.